Why is my house falling apart?

First, the refigerator and window blinds. Now the list of broken stuff–just in the kitchen–includes a cracked and chipped glass cook top, a microwave that doubles as a blue lightning machine, an oven door that won’t shut tight, and–as of ten minutes ago–a garbage disposal in the sink that isn’t disposing anything. Am I skimping on some top secret kitchen appliance maintenance that I was hidden in the “How to be a Grown Up and Homeowner” manual? Our place is only five years old dude.

OK, enough with my whining tantrum. So we need to fix some stuff. At least it’s not really the house falling apart–just the crap in it. So far.

Ooooohhhmmmmmm….